Bell Hammers

PRANKS. OIL. PROTEST. JOKES BETWEEN NEWLYWEDS. AND ONE HILARIOUS SIEGE OF A MAJOR CORPORATION.

Remmy grows up with Beth in Bellhammer, Illinois as oil and coal companies rob the land of everything that made it paradise. Under his Grandad, he learns how to properly prank his neighbors, friends, and foes. Beth tries to fix Remmy by taking him to church. Under his Daddy, Remmy starts the Bell Hammer Construction Company, which depends on contracts from Texarco Oil. And Beth argues with him about how to build a better business. Together, Remmy and Beth start to build a great neighborhood of “merry men” carpenters: a paradise of s’mores, porch furniture, newborn babies, and summer trips to Branson where their boys pop the tops of off the neighborhood’s two hundred soda bottles. Their witty banter builds a kind of castle among a growing nostalgia.

Then one of Jim Johnstone’s faulty Texarco oil derricks falls down on their house and poisons their neighborhood’s well.

Poisoned wells escalate to torched dog houses. Torched dog houses escalate to stolen carpentry tools and cancelled contracts. Cancelled contracts escalate to eminent domain. Sick of the attacks from Texaco Oil on his neighborhood, Remmy assembles his merry men:

“We need the world’s greatest prank. One grand glorious jest that’ll bloody the nose of that tyrant. Besides, pranks and jokes don’t got no consequences, right?”

:: PRAISE FOR LANCELOT SCHAUBERT AND BELL HAMMERS ::

“Schaubert recounts a mischievous man’s eight decades in Illinois’s Little Egypt region in his picaresque debut. Remmy’s life of constant schemes and pranks and a lifelong feud with classmate Jim Johnstone and the local oil drilling company proves consequential. This is a hoot.” 

— Publisher’s Weekly

“BELL HAMMERS is written in a style not unworthy of John Kennedy Toole and William Faulkner – the vivid characterization of Southern ethnography commingled with stark, episodic spectacle breathes with the spirit of quintessential Americana. It is a text I would happily assign in an American Novel class and would expect it to yield satisfying discourse alongside works in the canon, whether beside the sardonic prose of Mark Twain or the energetically painful narratives of Toni Morrison.”

— Dr. Anthony Cirilla

“Schaubert’s words have an immediacy, a potency, an intimacy that grab the reader by the collar and say, ‘Listen, this is important!’ Probing the bones and gristle of humanity, Lancelot’s subjects challenge, but also offer insights into redemption if only we will stop and pay attention.”

— Erika Robuck, national bestselling author of Hemingway’s Girl

“Myth, regret, the lore of our heritage and the subtle displays of our castes — no one so accurately and imaginatively captures the joys and sorrows of life in the Midwest as Schaubert does here. BELL HAMMERS is a Tree Grows in Brooklyn as told by Gabriel Garcia Marquez if Marquez lived in rural Illinois and only told stories to his grandkids. Seriously a delight to read.”

— Colby Williams, author of the Axiom Gold Medal winning book Small Town, Big Money

“Loved BELL HAMMERS because Lancelot wrote about people who don’t get written about enough and he did it with humor, compassion, and heart.”

— Brian Slatterly, author of Lost Everything and editor of The New Haven Review

“I’m such a fan of Lancelot Schaubert’s work. His unique view and his life-wisdom enriches all he does. We’re lucky to count him among our contributors.”

— Therese Walsh, author of The Moon Sisters and Editorial Director of Writer Unboxed


Meet Lancelot Schaubert

Two excerpts of Lancelot Schaubert’s (lanceschaubert.org) debut novel BELL HAMMERS sold to The New Haven Review ( Yale’s Institute Library ) and The Misty Review, while a third excerpt was selected as a finalist for the last Glimmer Train Fiction Open in history. He has also sold poetry, fiction, and nonfiction to TOR (MacMillan), The Anglican Theological Review, McSweeney’s, Poker Pro’s World Series Edition, The Poet’s Market, Writer’s Digest, and many similar markets.

Spark + Echo chose him for their 2019 artist in residency, commissioning him to write four short stories.

He has published work in anthologies like Author in Progress, Harry Potter for Nerds, and Of Gods and Globes — the last of which he edited and featured stories by Juliet Marillier (whose story was nominated for an Aurealis award), Anne Greenwood Brown, Dr. Anthony Cirilla, LJ Cohen, FC Shultz, and Emily Munro. His work Cold Brewed reinvented the photonovel for the digital age and caught the attention of the Missouri Tourism Board who commissioned him to write and direct a second photonovel, The Joplin Undercurrent, in partnership with award-winning photographer, Mark Neuenschwander.

He remains a committed husband to the grooviest girl on earth and is a public advocate for more free range trees. You know, Ents.

Life is Classical

The Remnants: Essays, Interviews, & Other Writings

After publishing his bestselling novel The Transhumanist Wager in 2013, Zoltan Istvan began frequently writing essays about the future. A former journalist with National Geographic, Istvan’s essays spanned topics from the Singularity to cyborgism to radical longevity to futurist philosophy. He also wrote about politics as he made a surprisingly popular run for the US Presidency in 2016, touring the country aboard his coffin-shaped Immortality Bus, which The New York Times Magazine called “The great sarcophagus of the American highway…a metaphor of life itself.” Zoltan’s provocative campaign and radical tech-themed articles garnered him the title of the “Science Candidate” by his supporters. Many of his writings—published in Vice, Quartz, Slate, The Guardian, International Living, Yahoo! News, Gizmodo, TechCruch, Psychology Today, Salon, New Scientist, Business Insider, The Daily Dot, Maven, Cato Institute, The Daily Caller, Metro, International Business Times, Wired UK, The San Francisco Chronicle, Newsweek, and The New York Times—went viral on the internet, garnishing millions of reads and tens of thousands of comments. His articles—often seen as controversial, provocative, and secular—elevated him to worldwide recognition as one of the de facto leaders of the burgeoning transhumanism movement. Here are many of those watershed essays again, organized, edited, and occasionally readapted by the author in this comprehensive nonfiction work, The Remnants: Essays, Interviews, and Other Writings. Also included are some of Zoltan’s new writings, never published before. This book is part of a 7-book box set collection of his essential work, the Zoltan Istvan Futurist Collection, focusing on futurism, secularism, life extension, politics, philosophy, transhumanism and his early writings. Enjoy reading about the future according to Zoltan Istvan.


Meet Zoltan Istvan

Zoltan Istvan is widely recognized as a leading international futurist, technologist and America’s first science political candidate. In his 20s, Zoltan started as a journalist at National Geographic Channel. Later, he became a successful real estate developer during the boom years, and still own many properties. Zoltan was also a director at a major wildlife nonprofit, WildAid. In his late 30s, Zoltan began penning futurist and political opinion essays for major media, and has written over 200 articles in the last five years. Zoltan’s public work has received hundreds of millions of views, much of it through his political and science activism. He was the 2016 presidential candidate for the Transhumanist Party and delivered the original Transhumanist Bill of Rights to the US Capitol. He was also a party endorsed 2018 libertarian California Governor candidate. Zoltan has spoken at the World Bank, the World Economic Forum, Microsoft, Harvard and was the opening keynote at the Financial Times Camp Alphaville. He is a graduate of Columbia University, and lives in San Francisco with his physician wife and two young daughters. In a 5000-word feature on his work, The New York Times wrote Zoltan is “polite and charismatic” and has a “plausibly Presidential aura.”