The Weighing Of The Heart: A Cautionary Tale

I Went To The Apocalypse And All I Got Was This Codpiece Hey, it’s me, your pal Thoth, ibis-headed ancient Egyptian god of writing and magic. Like any good narrator, I’m actually a part of this story. I’ve been infatuated with the bovine goddess Hathor since I can remember. The problem is, she wants nothing to do with me and my birdy self. I have my own way of dealing with rejection, but can you believe my brother Set is a frustrated incel who takes out his rage on the world? He’s bent on the destruction of humanity! He even enlists the help of ancient mummified pharaoh Djet to set off a plague that reflects the depravity of his perverted soul… Then there’s Akins, nerdy human Scribe living in Thebes who finds himself caught in the middle of all of this. A man after my own heart, he’s spent his life devoted to his craft and suddenly Set’s insanity turns his world inside and out. He’s gotta put up or… well, not shut up. More like he’s gotta put up or die. Same goes for Water Lily, apprentice to the renowned Apothecary Safiya. She just wants to learn her trade in peace. But instead of customers and mortars and pestles, the former street rat finds herself to be the last bastion of hope in the struggle for the very world! No pressure!

Meet Andrew Marc Rowe

Andrew Marc Rowe moonlights as a wizard when he is not working his desk job as a lawyer. He lives in St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada, with his daughter Iris and a stable of unicorns. He likes long walks on the beach, getting caught in the rain, and betting the farm on insane cannibalism-related wagers with goblins. You can find him at andrewmarcrowe.com (sign up for his mailing list to get free e-books and e-mail lovin’).

A Sidekick’s Tale

She needed a husband on short notice to save the ranch. They needed a ring to make it official, and his best pal just happened to have a real nice one handy. And they’re all about to get way more than they bargained for. Meredith Fayett needed to marry someone before the week was out or she would lose her ranch. It sounded simple, so ranch hand Chance Stevens agreed to take on the job, in spite of his friend Marty’s warnings that it could only lead to trouble. But even Marty, a loyal though opinionated sidekick, couldn’t have predicted the mayhem that ensues when his own eccentric relatives appear on the scene, dragging Chance, Marty, and Meredith into the latest skirmish in a long-running family feud. What follows is a hilarious tangle involving an emerald ring, a fearsome aunt, a scheming suitor, and a team of runaway mules—by the end of which Chance finds that even a marriage just on paper has its complications, and that it never hurts to have a good sidekick. If you love a good screwball romp in a homespun setting—think P.G. Wodehouse meets O. Henry—pick up A Sidekick’s Tale now and start laughing!

Meet Elisabeth Grace Foley

Elisabeth Grace Foley has been an insatiable reader and eager history buff ever since she learned to read, has been scribbling stories ever since she learned to write, and now combines those loves in writing historical fiction. She has been twice nominated for the Western Fictioneers’ Peacemaker Award, and her work has appeared online at Rope and Wire and The Western Online. When not reading or writing, she enjoys spending time outdoors, music, crocheting, and watching sports and old movies. She lives in upstate New York with her family and the world’s best German Shepherd.

Pirates of Nebula Seven — Episode 1

Captain Starlight may just be the greatest pirate in the galaxy, or possibly the worst. It’s a divisive issue, with Starlight on one side, and everyone else in the known universe on the other. This short story is for fans of RICK & MORTY, HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE and TERRY PRATCHETT. The ongoing series follows the ludicrous adventures of the egotistical Captain Starlight and his bizarre crew of space pirates: fierce warrior-queen Varrax, cowardly mental health counsellor Alan, the overly emotional robot X-359, the insane plant woman Booglox, and their mistreated cabin boy Billy. “Captain Starlight’s Log. Star Date: April 10th My loyal crew and I are visiting my old haunt Nebula Cove, floating near the outskirts of Nebula Seven, for some much needed rest and recuperation. My twelve-year-old cousin Billy is starting to settle into his new role as Cabin Boy, although he’s still shaken from the, ah, incident the other week. He’d been sent on a tethered spacewalk to clean the windows, all suited up in a spacesuit for the first time, but unfortunately we forgot about him and blasted off at lightspeed with Billy still in tow. We dragged him for several billion miles at unimaginable velocity, unable to hear his screams, before the tether cable eventually snapped and he was left spinning alone in interstellar space, lightyears away from any form of civilisation, with a very finite amount of oxygen in his suit. It took several hours before we noticed our oversight, and by the time we returned, Billy was down to his last breath of recycled oxygen. Still, all’s well that ends well, and his night terrors are becoming less frequent. I am firmly of the belief that these sorts of escapades are good for the boy and will build his character. We’ll make a man of him yet! I’m sure he’ll now enjoy a few days’ leave at Nebula Cove, as will we all, and I in particular am looking forward to a few games of high stakes poker!”

Meet C. Grezo & Rupert Knowles

C. Grezo and Rupert Knowles are a pair of bearded geeks who like dogs, sci fi and comedy. They wrote the hit Audible sitcom Sheltered and the movie How to Stop Being a Loser, but the Pirates of Nebula Seven series of novelettes is their true passion. Hope you enjoy!

Romancing the Screen

Hollywood superstar Leo Blake seemingly has it all; he’s a handsome, sought-after movie idol who’s box-office gold. What he doesn’t have is respect, specifically in the form of gossip columnist Kara Ocean, a one-woman demolition team who has made it her ongoing mission to cut Leo down to size.

Meet Gretchen Lovett

Gretchen Lovett is a stay at home mom & ghostwriter

Leashed

Jack has some ‘splainin’ to do!

That’s right! Callie Lassiter’s normally well-behaved Great Dane Jack has run off and done the wild thing with the neighbor’s dog. It must be puppy love! It’s doubly embarrassing since she’s a professional dog trainer. Of course, the neighbor would have to be hot, hot nightclub owner bad boy Owen McKay, just the kind of man Callie is determined to avoid.

Owen’s comfortable with his playboy status and the hype in the media. But the ground moves beneath his feet when he gets an eyeful of the girl next door. The Dog Whisperer never looked this good! How can he convince this wholesome honey that his player days are behind him? Maybe Jill, his Great Dane can help him with this dilemma now that she’s pregnant and Callie’s dog is to blame.

Is this bad boy a bad bet?

Beware of dogs, romance and deep belly laughs!

Going to the Dogs is a romp through the urban jungle of New York City to find true love, the perfect cocktail, and expensive heels. Dog is a man’s best friend, but sometimes a woman just needs a hot man in the city. This series will appeal to a mature crowd, especially fans of Sex in The City.

 


Meet Zoe Dawson

Zoe Dawson lives in North Carolina. She discovered romance in her teens and has been spinning stories in her head ever since. Her heroes are sexy males with a disregard for danger and whether reluctant, gung-ho, or caught up in the action, show their hearts of gold.

Her imagination runs wild with romances from sensual to scorching including romantic comedy, new adult, romantic suspense, small town and urban fantasy. Look below to explore the many avenues to her writing. She believes that it’s all about the happily ever afters and always will be.

Beast Be Gone

Creatures in your basement? Undead spooking your castle? Infestation of goblins? Beast Be Gone will clear out those pesky pests and save your health and business – (no dragons)

Adventurers rampage across the land, stealing everything from bread rolls to ancient heirlooms, slaughtering countless innocent monsters in their hunt for glory.

Eric, the owner of Beast Be Gone pest control, knows that most creatures can be removed with a bit of repellent, however the adventurers want to do things the flashy way; blowing up half of the dungeon with fireballs in the process.

With no work left, Eric is broke and desperate. That is until a young woman equipped with mechanical gadgets becomes his apprentice. Together they uncover the mystery of a diabolical plot that answers the timeless questions about adventuring…

Why are there so many Chosen Ones? Are goblins inherently evil or are they just misunderstood? Why do all the shopkeepers say they have the best swords in the land? What are the socio-economic implications of all these sword merchants?

Somebody wants a world full of adventurers, but why…?

Terry Pratchett meets Ghostbusters in an RPG world.

Beast Be Gone is a new fantasy comedy novel, which explores the stories of the underdogs of fantasy tales, sometimes known as NPC’s. They’re normal folk just wanting to go to the shops without getting stabbed by a sneaky guy in a cape who got bored of hunting goblins.

A must-read for anyone who loves Dungeons & Dragons, RPG’s and online games (although you’ll never be able to play them again without feeling bad for the men who have to clear up the mess you left behind in dungeons).

Suitable for adults, YA and teens. Available in hardcover (hardback), kindle, ebook and paperback. First published August 2021.


Meet A L Billington

Who is A L Billington? Some say he is just a myth, a phantom, a whisper on the lips of a kindly gentleman. Or maybe he’s just some bloke with access to a word processor and too much time on his hands. Who calls them word processors these days anyway? Turns out A L Billington is old enough to use the term ‘word processor’, yet only ironically, which should tell you exactly how old he is. He’s also the one writing this bit, so it’s very strange that it’s in the third person.

In case you were wondering, the ‘A’ stands for Arthur, and the ‘L’ stands for a secret that he’ll never tell you unless you get him drunk at an awkward party.

Anyway, you all have access to your own word processors, so you can look him up using the magic of the internet. He’s the cheeky chap who set up ‘Billington Publishing’ (in case you hadn’t made that connection based on the narcissistic naming)

Hexed in Texas: A Humorous Fantasy

A Russian witch steps through her magic mirror. The heir of a voodoo queen makes more conventional travel plans. But why are they headed for Texas?

“Lighthearted with a plot that is fun from beginning to end and characters that are charming . . . the perfect read.”–Readers’ Favorite

Once upon a time (a year ago, if you’re a stickler for details), chaotic magic leaking from Alamo excavations triggered an improbable event, drawing the attention of two unlikely rivals in search of a rare prize.

The Russian witch Baba Yaga and her two sisters have been around since–even she can’t remember when. She normally stays at home in her chicken-legged hut, grumpily aiding those who come to her for help or . . . otherwise.

M. C. Laveau, the CEO of Laveau Pharmaceuticals, merchandizes products that exploit the magic of her grandmother Marie (yes, that Marie).

Unfortunate bystander Rachel Vargas is caught between the dueling rivals as the bizarre effects of the magic become increasingly drastic: something’s gotta give.

Book 1 of the Baba Yaga Chronicles, in which she and her sisters confront the modern world, with unexpected, alarming, and comical results.

“Fun and engaging”
“A timely and delightful distraction”
“Unexpected and satisfying”
(Amazon reviews)

If you like lighthearted fantasy with offbeat humor, clever plot twists, and quirky characters, read the Baba Yaga Chronicles!


Meet Kathy Burford

Kathy Burford studied Russian and comparative literature and works as a freelance editor for university presses. She loves fairy tales and humorous fantasies, such as the works of Terry Pratchett, Diana Wynne Jones, Mark Cain, and A. Lee Martinez. She and her husband lived in Austin, Texas, for many years and now live in Iowa City.

Through the Ages

It’s darkest before the dawn, but is it darker than a vampire’s soul?

For 400 Years Saito Izumi Has Struggled with What It Means to be Kyuuketsuki–A Japanese Vampire!

In Feudal Japan, during an attack on Kumamoto Castle from a horde of swarming y?kai— mythical creatures born from the darkest depths of Japanese folklore—the samurai Saito Izumi will be forever changed. By morning’s dawn, Saito will be kyuuketsuki, a Japanese vampire!

Join Saito in Feudal Japan as she confronts an army of thunder-beasts, ogre-like oni, and the seductive spider-whore jor?gumo. Creatures as diverse as they are deadly. Then travel with the former samurai as she battles 18th Century Spanish soldiers and vampires along the Spanish Main. Stand with her as she wages war against shape-shifting Mexican nagual, fighting alongside the likes of Davy Crockett, William Travis, and James Bowie to defend the Alamo.

In this heart-wrenching collection of original stories are four terrifying tales from Saito Izumi’s centuries of existing—she doesn’t consider it living—that explore her dangerous and deep personal journey to understand the blackest darkness of an inhuman soul, to discover what it means to live and not simply survive, and most important of all, to learn if a vampire can triumph over evil and truly love again.

The Irish Cycle Series – A unique urban fantasy adventure with a mix of mythological and supernatural elements set in contemporary and historical America.


Meet David Miller

Athena in the Rathole

Athena is born at the wrong time, to the wrong parents, . Her parents are Greek immigrants trying to find their way in America. Athena bounces between two countries, two cultures, eating Greek eyeball stew and lamb’s brain on the one hand, and ice cream cones with sprinkles on the other. 

Humorously told, Athena must survive her vicious mother, a shaming nun, bullying classmates, and an abusive babysitter. Her mother blames Athena for the family’s troubles and Athena comforts herself by sneaking Greek delicacies. In Greek culture you’re supposed to be pretty and skinny, basically perfect. She is neither of these things. Things go from bad to worse and Athena is sent away to a school for disturbed kids. 

Athena’s only hope is to break free from her mother’s explosive volatility and smothering vice grip. She finds support along the way from an unlikely lot of total strangers, including a Portuguese family, an art teacher, a psychic granny, gang members, and a hooker. Without them Athena doesn’t stand a chance. But will she take the final leap and flee up north before her mother destroys her?


Meet Demi K

Demi K lives in Alaska and owns a restaurant in a small tourist town.

Welcome to D*ck n B*lls Tower!

What’s it like to live and work deep in forested isolation at a fire tower for six months of the year? While battling mental instability. And the medication prescribed for it. And your Mother. And your Maker. And your Maker’s assassins who see you as nothing more than an easy piece of meat supported by two edible stilts. And inappropriate behaviour around your female supervisor’s posterioso perfectus. And a tendency to enter your wiener boat in too many spankathons. And a multitude of other questionable habits. And, and, and, ad infinitum.

Oh, Tony. Tch, tch, tch.

Meet Tony Butterworth (and his unfortunate sidekick, “Gorby”), a fifteen-year veteran of forestry’s seasonal Game of Towers. A secret worshipper at the altar of that delectable skankstress, Muffy—sixty kilometers to his southeast. Co-conspirator and trusty lookout for Dingleberries’ infamous “Turd Burglar,” Boogie Bowshaw. Sufficiently obsessed with the legendary tower duo, D*ck n B*lls. Novice Cornholer. Whisper Gardell’s new reluctant boyfriend.

Oh, Tony. It’s Uncle Bonzo, mate. Can you smell the shrimp on the barbie? Why don’t you drop in and join us for a round. Where for art thou? Tony. We miss you.

“Hysterical and inventive … an ingenious and brilliant work of art … I won’t be forgetting it any time soon.” – Foluso Falaye (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).

“If I had to summarize this cocktail of insanity, I’d say get a tall glass, add one shot of Terry Pratchett, a healthy measure of Hunter S. Thompson, top up with some Jim Jefferies and garnish with one of those special mushrooms people aren’t supposed to eat….” – Michael Gardner (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).

“The plot is quirky and completely unique … the narrative throughout is wonderfully vivid and descriptive … this novel will make you laugh but also shed a tear….” – Lesley Jones (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).


Meet Jeff Pearson

Jeff Pearson was born in Pembroke, Ontario, Canada, in 1963 and attended Carleton and Lakehead Universities where he mostly majored in Maximum Intoxication / Fiasco Production. Then he went vagabond—rambling / exploring / travelling / working—for years, all over Canada and beyond. For the past twenty years, he has been manning various fire towers deep in the Canadian wilderness. Mr. Pearson’s memoir, Miss Nude Canada’s Shoes (And Other Fiascos) – Act I * Greenhorn, was a 2020 Readers’ Favorite book award winner in the non-fiction humour category. Jeff has been seriously stoned on ASMR since he stumbled upon it in 2014.