Helen’s Melons Fly South

Helen has a dilemma when it comes to her melons. Along with her friend Ellen, they discreetly divulge their problem, that makes you question whether there may be a subtle undercurrent of satirical naughtiness. This book is clean for children, but I would advise parental guidance for sake of anybody that may be sensitive to this form of word play. Suffering from a bad bout of gardening, Helen is unable to grow perfect melons, unlike her friend Ellen, and takes matters into her own hands to rectify the matter. In a sensational series of events, can Helen sort out her melons, or will Ellen reign supreme? Read on and find out. Inspired by completely untrue events, the title says it all, whilst also saying precisely zero or less. I hope this book makes you laugh, as the pilot copy we created went down a storm, and had people bent double with laughter.

Meet Jamie Greenlees

Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations. Follow Jamie Greenlees I, Jamie Greenlees, have been involved with crass parody in one form or another since I can remember. I am an old soul, and ‘Curseanova’ is my first self-published book, having written numerous satirical articles for ‘Figure 8 media’. I have mapped out an idea for a second novel, so get ready to not buy it. I currently work full time for a North American Insurance Company, and despite the content of this book, I live happily with my girlfriend of five years now in South East Essex. My favourite saying is ‘morons take a knife and stab people in the back, whereas the wise take a knife, cut the cord, and set themselves free from the morons’. I listen to and DJ vinyl only jungle and drum and bass music, and often carve a face into jacket potatoes before I stick them in the oven, as It’s always nice to have some company for dinner. My pipeline dream is to have enough money to build a modern and self-sufficient off grid home in a remote part of the World, such as Alaska, and my best friend at work is whichever one brings cake and sausage rolls in to the office for sharing, which today was Brenda – I love that old trout. I am a firm believer that Zombies DO exist, having once looked at myself in the mirror before my breakfast Red Bull. Finally, I find it strange that when a cat licks its bottom people find it ‘cute’, yet when I do it, everybody on the train refers to me as a ‘weirdo’.

Leashed

Jack has some ‘splainin’ to do!

That’s right! Callie Lassiter’s normally well-behaved Great Dane Jack has run off and done the wild thing with the neighbor’s dog. It must be puppy love! It’s doubly embarrassing since she’s a professional dog trainer. Of course, the neighbor would have to be hot, hot nightclub owner bad boy Owen McKay, just the kind of man Callie is determined to avoid.

Owen’s comfortable with his playboy status and the hype in the media. But the ground moves beneath his feet when he gets an eyeful of the girl next door. The Dog Whisperer never looked this good! How can he convince this wholesome honey that his player days are behind him? Maybe Jill, his Great Dane can help him with this dilemma now that she’s pregnant and Callie’s dog is to blame.

Is this bad boy a bad bet?

Beware of dogs, romance and deep belly laughs!

Going to the Dogs is a romp through the urban jungle of New York City to find true love, the perfect cocktail, and expensive heels. Dog is a man’s best friend, but sometimes a woman just needs a hot man in the city. This series will appeal to a mature crowd, especially fans of Sex in The City.

 

Meet Zoe Dawson

Zoe Dawson lives in North Carolina, one of the friendliest states in the US. She discovered romance in her teens and has been spinning stories in her head ever since. Her heroes are sexy males with a disregard for danger and whether reluctant, gung-ho, or caught up in the action, show their hearts of gold. Her imagination runs wild with romances from sensual to scorching including romantic comedy, new adult, romantic suspense, small town and urban fantasy. Look below to explore the many avenues to her writing. She believes that it’s all about the happily ever afters and always will be.

Beast Be Gone

Creatures in your basement? Undead spooking your castle? Infestation of goblins? Beast Be Gone will clear out those pesky pests and save your health and business – (no dragons)

Adventurers rampage across the land, stealing everything from bread rolls to ancient heirlooms, slaughtering countless innocent monsters in their hunt for glory.

Eric, the owner of Beast Be Gone pest control, knows that most creatures can be removed with a bit of repellent, however the adventurers want to do things the flashy way; blowing up half of the dungeon with fireballs in the process.

With no work left, Eric is broke and desperate. That is until a young woman equipped with mechanical gadgets becomes his apprentice. Together they uncover the mystery of a diabolical plot that answers the timeless questions about adventuring…

Why are there so many Chosen Ones? Are goblins inherently evil or are they just misunderstood? Why do all the shopkeepers say they have the best swords in the land? What are the socio-economic implications of all these sword merchants?

Somebody wants a world full of adventurers, but why…?

Terry Pratchett meets Ghostbusters in an RPG world.

Beast Be Gone is a new fantasy comedy novel, which explores the stories of the underdogs of fantasy tales, sometimes known as NPC’s. They’re normal folk just wanting to go to the shops without getting stabbed by a sneaky guy in a cape who got bored of hunting goblins.

A must-read for anyone who loves Dungeons & Dragons, RPG’s and online games (although you’ll never be able to play them again without feeling bad for the men who have to clear up the mess you left behind in dungeons).

Suitable for adults, YA and teens. Available in hardcover (hardback), kindle, ebook and paperback. First published August 2021.


Meet A L Billington

Who is A L Billington? Some say he is just a myth, a phantom, a whisper on the lips of a kindly gentleman. Or maybe he’s just some bloke with access to a word processor and too much time on his hands. Who calls them word processors these days anyway? Turns out A L Billington is old enough to use the term ‘word processor’, yet only ironically, which should tell you exactly how old he is. He’s also the one writing this bit, so it’s very strange that it’s in the third person.

In case you were wondering, the ‘A’ stands for Arthur, and the ‘L’ stands for a secret that he’ll never tell you unless you get him drunk at an awkward party.

Anyway, you all have access to your own word processors, so you can look him up using the magic of the internet. He’s the cheeky chap who set up ‘Billington Publishing’ (in case you hadn’t made that connection based on the narcissistic naming)

Hexed in Texas: A Humorous Fantasy

A Russian witch steps through her magic mirror. The heir of a voodoo queen makes more conventional travel plans. But why are they headed for Texas?

“Lighthearted with a plot that is fun from beginning to end and characters that are charming . . . the perfect read.”–Readers’ Favorite

Once upon a time (a year ago, if you’re a stickler for details), chaotic magic leaking from Alamo excavations triggered an improbable event, drawing the attention of two unlikely rivals in search of a rare prize.

The Russian witch Baba Yaga and her two sisters have been around since–even she can’t remember when. She normally stays at home in her chicken-legged hut, grumpily aiding those who come to her for help or . . . otherwise.

M. C. Laveau, the CEO of Laveau Pharmaceuticals, merchandizes products that exploit the magic of her grandmother Marie (yes, that Marie).

Unfortunate bystander Rachel Vargas is caught between the dueling rivals as the bizarre effects of the magic become increasingly drastic: something’s gotta give.

Book 1 of the Baba Yaga Chronicles, in which she and her sisters confront the modern world, with unexpected, alarming, and comical results.

“Fun and engaging”
“A timely and delightful distraction”
“Unexpected and satisfying”
(Amazon reviews)

If you like lighthearted fantasy with offbeat humor, clever plot twists, and quirky characters, read the Baba Yaga Chronicles!


Meet Kathy Burford

Kathy Burford studied Russian and comparative literature and works as a freelance editor for university presses. She loves fairy tales and humorous fantasies, such as the works of Terry Pratchett, Diana Wynne Jones, Mark Cain, and A. Lee Martinez. She and her husband lived in Austin, Texas, for many years and now live in Iowa City.

Through the Ages

It’s darkest before the dawn, but is it darker than a vampire’s soul?

For 400 Years Saito Izumi Has Struggled with What It Means to be Kyuuketsuki–A Japanese Vampire!

In Feudal Japan, during an attack on Kumamoto Castle from a horde of swarming y?kai— mythical creatures born from the darkest depths of Japanese folklore—the samurai Saito Izumi will be forever changed. By morning’s dawn, Saito will be kyuuketsuki, a Japanese vampire!

Join Saito in Feudal Japan as she confronts an army of thunder-beasts, ogre-like oni, and the seductive spider-whore jor?gumo. Creatures as diverse as they are deadly. Then travel with the former samurai as she battles 18th Century Spanish soldiers and vampires along the Spanish Main. Stand with her as she wages war against shape-shifting Mexican nagual, fighting alongside the likes of Davy Crockett, William Travis, and James Bowie to defend the Alamo.

In this heart-wrenching collection of original stories are four terrifying tales from Saito Izumi’s centuries of existing—she doesn’t consider it living—that explore her dangerous and deep personal journey to understand the blackest darkness of an inhuman soul, to discover what it means to live and not simply survive, and most important of all, to learn if a vampire can triumph over evil and truly love again.

The Irish Cycle Series – A unique urban fantasy adventure with a mix of mythological and supernatural elements set in contemporary and historical America.


Meet David Miller

Athena in the Rathole

Athena is born at the wrong time, to the wrong parents, . Her parents are Greek immigrants trying to find their way in America. Athena bounces between two countries, two cultures, eating Greek eyeball stew and lamb’s brain on the one hand, and ice cream cones with sprinkles on the other. 

Humorously told, Athena must survive her vicious mother, a shaming nun, bullying classmates, and an abusive babysitter. Her mother blames Athena for the family’s troubles and Athena comforts herself by sneaking Greek delicacies. In Greek culture you’re supposed to be pretty and skinny, basically perfect. She is neither of these things. Things go from bad to worse and Athena is sent away to a school for disturbed kids. 

Athena’s only hope is to break free from her mother’s explosive volatility and smothering vice grip. She finds support along the way from an unlikely lot of total strangers, including a Portuguese family, an art teacher, a psychic granny, gang members, and a hooker. Without them Athena doesn’t stand a chance. But will she take the final leap and flee up north before her mother destroys her?


Meet Demi K

Demi K lives in Alaska and owns a restaurant in a small tourist town.

Welcome to D*ck n B*lls Tower!

What’s it like to live and work deep in forested isolation at a fire tower for six months of the year? While battling mental instability. And the medication prescribed for it. And your Mother. And your Maker. And your Maker’s assassins who see you as nothing more than an easy piece of meat supported by two edible stilts. And inappropriate behaviour around your female supervisor’s posterioso perfectus. And a tendency to enter your wiener boat in too many spankathons. And a multitude of other questionable habits. And, and, and, ad infinitum.

Oh, Tony. Tch, tch, tch.

Meet Tony Butterworth (and his unfortunate sidekick, “Gorby”), a fifteen-year veteran of forestry’s seasonal Game of Towers. A secret worshipper at the altar of that delectable skankstress, Muffy—sixty kilometers to his southeast. Co-conspirator and trusty lookout for Dingleberries’ infamous “Turd Burglar,” Boogie Bowshaw. Sufficiently obsessed with the legendary tower duo, D*ck n B*lls. Novice Cornholer. Whisper Gardell’s new reluctant boyfriend.

Oh, Tony. It’s Uncle Bonzo, mate. Can you smell the shrimp on the barbie? Why don’t you drop in and join us for a round. Where for art thou? Tony. We miss you.

“Hysterical and inventive … an ingenious and brilliant work of art … I won’t be forgetting it any time soon.” – Foluso Falaye (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).

“If I had to summarize this cocktail of insanity, I’d say get a tall glass, add one shot of Terry Pratchett, a healthy measure of Hunter S. Thompson, top up with some Jim Jefferies and garnish with one of those special mushrooms people aren’t supposed to eat….” – Michael Gardner (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).

“The plot is quirky and completely unique … the narrative throughout is wonderfully vivid and descriptive … this novel will make you laugh but also shed a tear….” – Lesley Jones (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).


Meet Jeff Pearson

Jeff Pearson was born in Pembroke, Ontario, Canada, in 1963 and attended Carleton and Lakehead Universities where he mostly majored in Maximum Intoxication / Fiasco Production. Then he went vagabond—rambling / exploring / travelling / working—for years, all over Canada and beyond. For the past twenty years, he has been manning various fire towers deep in the Canadian wilderness. Mr. Pearson’s memoir, Miss Nude Canada’s Shoes (And Other Fiascos) – Act I * Greenhorn, was a 2020 Readers’ Favorite book award winner in the non-fiction humour category. Jeff has been seriously stoned on ASMR since he stumbled upon it in 2014.

Fun Stories Greatest Hits

Enjoy the biggest laughs, the craziest stories, the most comedy. 40 greatest hits! 

Featuring multiple tales from the top 10 of the iTunes comedy chart 

The ultimate destination for humorous short stories. TV and radio personality R. Scott Murphy takes you on a wild ride through office pranks, romance fails, commuter clowns, parenting problems, and the day he quit Cub Scouts. No topic is safe from his off-the-wall comedic sense of observation. 

Fun Stories Greatest Hits is a must-have collection of laugh-out-loud life stories sure to please humor readers, comedy connoisseurs, and fans of sitcoms such as Seinfeld, Friends, and The Office. 

Make Fun Stories Greatest Hits your next comedy adventure. Get it now. 

PRAISE FOR FUN STORIES:
“Five big stars. The funniest book I’ve read in a long time!”  

“Murphy is funny and charmingly off the wall. I love all five Fun Stories books and these are the greatest hits!”

“There are rollicking adventures in every chapter. It’s my go-to gift for friends and family.” 

“Hilarious book. Witty humor like Dave Barry, Trevor Noah, Nick Offerman, and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.”

INCLUDES ALL OF THESE POPULAR STORIES & MANY MORE:
“Chick-fil-A Makes Me Feel Like Leonardo DiCaprio” 
“The Least Amount of Fame Possible (Old MacDonald)”
“Cub Scout Dropout”
“Not the Next Carrie Underwood”
“Bigfoot Popcorn”
“Gatorade For Your Soul”
“Shamelessly Suggestive City Names” 
“I’m the Freakin’ Michael Phelps of Googling” 
“Alright, Alright, Alright!”
“Mind Game of Thrones”
“Happy Friday (Mr. Pee Man)” 
“Clown Commuter Award”
“How NASA Thins The Herd”
“Crunchy Roads, Take Me Home” 
“Good Folks, Bad Coaching”
“Ultimate Waitress Revenge”
“Battle of the Bands”  

Get a free Fun Pack of stories at www.mentalkickball.com.

The Fun Stories family also includes:
Fun Stories For Your Drive To Work
Fun Stories For Your Drive Home
Fun Stories: Random City Limits
Fun Stories: Searching For More Cowbell

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The Hack

The Hack - ASIN B087NJ91XF

?  Sometimes the best lessons are learned in the most terrible ways. ?

This is a story about two writers. 

One is published, rich, and famous; the other, unpublished, poor, and unknown.

The rich guy is me, Max McMillan. I’m the greatest hack ever. I swear I am.

On most days, I walk around the house naked and publish best-selling books every few months or whatever.

The women come and go like it’s a goddamn whorehouse. But I’m thinking about marriage. See, there’s this girl. She’s got a name, but I can’t remember it. I call her Cowgirl Up. It suits her well. 

I don’t love her because I don’t think I can. I only love four people: my poor writer friend, Jack, his wife, Jane, and their two kids, Lucy and Nathan.

I hate everyone else. 

Did I say Jane is dying from cancer?

And I hate cancer.

This is my story. It’s absurd and outrageous. It really is.

If you’re an asshole like me, you’ll really love this story. I swear you will. It’s that crazy.

And if you buy this book, I just might buy myself another Corvette. (Hell, at least you know that I’m also honest.)

Goddamn, I fucking hate cancer.

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Welcome to Halcyon: Dead Mawl #1

cover

Dead Mall (n.): A shopping center with a high vacancy rate and low consumer traffic that is dated or deteriorating in some manner.

Dead Mawl (n.): A hell-mouth with a food court.

Reader Reviews:

“A fantastic yarn that had me interested from the first word.”

“This page-turner is a great introduction to a world in which I want to spend more time!”

“Beyond impressive for a debut!”

Book Summary:
Sixteen-year-old Cari Hembert had the unfortunate luck of being born in Halcyon, Nevada, a once-prosperous mining town that lost everything eight years ago when the silver ran out. Now the only place that doesn’t totally suck is the Edensgate Shopping Center, a monstrous half-abandoned mall on the edge of the city. And after today, when the Suttermill Department Store closes, it will be even emptier.

As Suttermill’s most loyal (ie last) cashier, Cari expects a routine and uneventful day behind the register. But when she and movie theater employee/wannabe-anarchist Drexel “Rex” Ranganathan are accidentally locked in Edensgate overnight, they discover something far more horrifying than the decline of brick-and mortar-retail.

They’ve survived bad bosses, cranky customers and crap salaries. But will they survive the night shift?

Welcome to Halcyon is the first book in the Dead Mawl novella series. Books 2 and 3 are also available on Amazon (ebook only, paperback coming soon).

Cover art by Joseph Reedy.