Welcome to D*ck n B*lls Tower!

What’s it like to live and work deep in forested isolation at a fire tower for six months of the year? While battling mental instability. And the medication prescribed for it. And your Mother. And your Maker. And your Maker’s assassins who see you as nothing more than an easy piece of meat supported by two edible stilts. And inappropriate behaviour around your female supervisor’s posterioso perfectus. And a tendency to enter your wiener boat in too many spankathons. And a multitude of other questionable habits. And, and, and, ad infinitum.

Oh, Tony. Tch, tch, tch.

Meet Tony Butterworth (and his unfortunate sidekick, “Gorby”), a fifteen-year veteran of forestry’s seasonal Game of Towers. A secret worshipper at the altar of that delectable skankstress, Muffy—sixty kilometers to his southeast. Co-conspirator and trusty lookout for Dingleberries’ infamous “Turd Burglar,” Boogie Bowshaw. Sufficiently obsessed with the legendary tower duo, D*ck n B*lls. Novice Cornholer. Whisper Gardell’s new reluctant boyfriend.

Oh, Tony. It’s Uncle Bonzo, mate. Can you smell the shrimp on the barbie? Why don’t you drop in and join us for a round. Where for art thou? Tony. We miss you.

“Hysterical and inventive … an ingenious and brilliant work of art … I won’t be forgetting it any time soon.” – Foluso Falaye (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).

“If I had to summarize this cocktail of insanity, I’d say get a tall glass, add one shot of Terry Pratchett, a healthy measure of Hunter S. Thompson, top up with some Jim Jefferies and garnish with one of those special mushrooms people aren’t supposed to eat….” – Michael Gardner (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).

“The plot is quirky and completely unique … the narrative throughout is wonderfully vivid and descriptive … this novel will make you laugh but also shed a tear….” – Lesley Jones (5-Stars: Readers’ Favorite).


Meet Jeff Pearson

Jeff Pearson was born in Pembroke, Ontario, Canada, in 1963 and attended Carleton and Lakehead Universities where he mostly majored in Maximum Intoxication / Fiasco Production. Then he went vagabond—rambling / exploring / travelling / working—for years, all over Canada and beyond. For the past twenty years, he has been manning various fire towers deep in the Canadian wilderness. Mr. Pearson’s memoir, Miss Nude Canada’s Shoes (And Other Fiascos) – Act I * Greenhorn, was a 2020 Readers’ Favorite book award winner in the non-fiction humour category. Jeff has been seriously stoned on ASMR since he stumbled upon it in 2014.

Fun Stories Greatest Hits

Enjoy the biggest laughs, the craziest stories, the most comedy. 40 greatest hits! 

Featuring multiple tales from the top 10 of the iTunes comedy chart 

The ultimate destination for humorous short stories. TV and radio personality R. Scott Murphy takes you on a wild ride through office pranks, romance fails, commuter clowns, parenting problems, and the day he quit Cub Scouts. No topic is safe from his off-the-wall comedic sense of observation. 

Fun Stories Greatest Hits is a must-have collection of laugh-out-loud life stories sure to please humor readers, comedy connoisseurs, and fans of sitcoms such as Seinfeld, Friends, and The Office. 

Make Fun Stories Greatest Hits your next comedy adventure. Get it now. 

PRAISE FOR FUN STORIES:
“Five big stars. The funniest book I’ve read in a long time!”  

“Murphy is funny and charmingly off the wall. I love all five Fun Stories books and these are the greatest hits!”

“There are rollicking adventures in every chapter. It’s my go-to gift for friends and family.” 

“Hilarious book. Witty humor like Dave Barry, Trevor Noah, Nick Offerman, and Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.”

INCLUDES ALL OF THESE POPULAR STORIES & MANY MORE:
“Chick-fil-A Makes Me Feel Like Leonardo DiCaprio” 
“The Least Amount of Fame Possible (Old MacDonald)”
“Cub Scout Dropout”
“Not the Next Carrie Underwood”
“Bigfoot Popcorn”
“Gatorade For Your Soul”
“Shamelessly Suggestive City Names” 
“I’m the Freakin’ Michael Phelps of Googling” 
“Alright, Alright, Alright!”
“Mind Game of Thrones”
“Happy Friday (Mr. Pee Man)” 
“Clown Commuter Award”
“How NASA Thins The Herd”
“Crunchy Roads, Take Me Home” 
“Good Folks, Bad Coaching”
“Ultimate Waitress Revenge”
“Battle of the Bands”  

Get a free Fun Pack of stories at www.mentalkickball.com.

The Fun Stories family also includes:
Fun Stories For Your Drive To Work
Fun Stories For Your Drive Home
Fun Stories: Random City Limits
Fun Stories: Searching For More Cowbell

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The Hack

The Hack - ASIN B087NJ91XF

?  Sometimes the best lessons are learned in the most terrible ways. ?

This is a story about two writers. 

One is published, rich, and famous; the other, unpublished, poor, and unknown.

The rich guy is me, Max McMillan. I’m the greatest hack ever. I swear I am.

On most days, I walk around the house naked and publish best-selling books every few months or whatever.

The women come and go like it’s a goddamn whorehouse. But I’m thinking about marriage. See, there’s this girl. She’s got a name, but I can’t remember it. I call her Cowgirl Up. It suits her well. 

I don’t love her because I don’t think I can. I only love four people: my poor writer friend, Jack, his wife, Jane, and their two kids, Lucy and Nathan.

I hate everyone else. 

Did I say Jane is dying from cancer?

And I hate cancer.

This is my story. It’s absurd and outrageous. It really is.

If you’re an asshole like me, you’ll really love this story. I swear you will. It’s that crazy.

And if you buy this book, I just might buy myself another Corvette. (Hell, at least you know that I’m also honest.)

Goddamn, I fucking hate cancer.

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Welcome to Halcyon: Dead Mawl #1

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Dead Mall (n.): A shopping center with a high vacancy rate and low consumer traffic that is dated or deteriorating in some manner.

Dead Mawl (n.): A hell-mouth with a food court.

Reader Reviews:

“A fantastic yarn that had me interested from the first word.”

“This page-turner is a great introduction to a world in which I want to spend more time!”

“Beyond impressive for a debut!”

Book Summary:
Sixteen-year-old Cari Hembert had the unfortunate luck of being born in Halcyon, Nevada, a once-prosperous mining town that lost everything eight years ago when the silver ran out. Now the only place that doesn’t totally suck is the Edensgate Shopping Center, a monstrous half-abandoned mall on the edge of the city. And after today, when the Suttermill Department Store closes, it will be even emptier.

As Suttermill’s most loyal (ie last) cashier, Cari expects a routine and uneventful day behind the register. But when she and movie theater employee/wannabe-anarchist Drexel “Rex” Ranganathan are accidentally locked in Edensgate overnight, they discover something far more horrifying than the decline of brick-and mortar-retail.

They’ve survived bad bosses, cranky customers and crap salaries. But will they survive the night shift?

Welcome to Halcyon is the first book in the Dead Mawl novella series. Books 2 and 3 are also available on Amazon (ebook only, paperback coming soon).

Cover art by Joseph Reedy.

Veiled Threats: Dead Mawl #2

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Cashier-turned-monster-masher Cari Hembert has a lot to learn about the evil entities that reside in the Edensgate Shopping Center. While some of them are stupid lumps of flesh that can be taken down by brute force, there are others that are not so easy—a fact Cari learns when she and a coworker are sucked into a waking nightmare by a devilishly charming host who’s eager to make a deal. Trapped and weaponless, Cari must find another way to escape his enticements—or lose herself forever.

Veiled Threats is the second book in the Dead Mawl novella series, where saving the world from the forces of evil is all in a night’s work. For fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, and Ash vs Evil Dead.

Cover design by Joseph Reedy.

The Long Moon: Dead Mawl #3

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Cari Hembert is on top of the world. Thanks to her new job as a junior custodian, she has earned her mother’s grudging respect for the first time in her life—even if it is if only because of the hefty pay increase. All of that gets thrown into jeopardy, however, when her boss informs her that merely assisting her best friend Rex with his homemade munitions isn’t going to cut it in the long term. But when a vengeful witch seizes control of Edensgate, it seems that Cari isn’t the only one facing termination. With the fate of the mall hanging in the balance, Cari must face their most powerful enemy yet—and this time, she will have to do it alone.
The Long Moon is the third book in the Dead Mawl novella series, where saving the world from the forces of evil is all in a night’s work. For fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, and Ash vs Evil Dead.

Cover design by Joseph Reedy.

Hollywood Hostage

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Straight from the Tabloids. The mafia kidnaps a movie and the actors fight back.

Irreverent, funny, and exciting

Karl Priam isn’t so bad but the Hollywood high life ruined his future as a director… until he survives an armed robbery. A solid performance for the news lands him another movie and it looks like a blockbuster.

Or is it?

There’s a war behind the scenes. Head producer Bob Ruckin hates the Internet billionaire who bought the studio and he’ll do anything to run her out of town: hire a coke-headed director; a temperamental diva; an old washed up, heroin-addicted villain; a train-wreck tabloid starlet; and the biggest action star to double the budget.

Everything is in place for the biggest flop in history.

But when fast-talking Karl keeps this motley crew on track, Bob calls the mob. And all hell breaks loose.

Can Karl stay clean, dodge bullets, get his actors to fight back, and still make a movie?

The Teleporter

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What if there was a power like no other? What if one drunken slouch happened to stumble where nobody has stumbled before and discovered the ability to teleport!
Just when you thought there were enough super hero stories in this world, we made another one…
Kurt Wiseman is your average mid-twenties slouch with a serial thirst for alcohol, that is until destiny calls upon him to stumble where no man has clumsily stumbled before. By day he works for a familiar sounding, power hungry, media controlling, mega rich American businessman who represents everything wrong with society today. Whilst investigating this politically loaded story arc Kurt accidentally acquires a super power like no other. The ability to teleport!
Before he can think about saving the day, Wiseman must endure a journey of self-reflection by earning the trust of his friends and overcoming his greatest weakness, booze. Even if the path is filled with comic book cliché, inappropriate one liners and genre busting fourth wall action.
Not all heroes in this world are the same and with great power comes the possibility to go viral! This is a story that will unite humanity…
Kurt Wiseman is the Teleporter!

Hilarious Chuck Norris Jokes!: 555 Hilarious Jokes About Chuck Norris

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If you want some awesome Chuck Norris jokes you can tell your friends and family to make them laugh really hard, this is the book for you! The book consists of long, short, corny and clever jokes and you will certainly find your own personal favourites! Here are a few examples from the book:

Chuck Norris is the only person who can kick someone in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet.
The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand… While he’s sitting on it…

My Uncle Jack’s Off

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Hot dogs, pimps, elephants and crime. These things have absolutely nothing to do with this epic twisted tale, but you have to admit they’re pretty attention grabbing, right?!?

Bored of reading the same old hum-drum books about superheroes, lawn furniture and how to grow the best cheese log? My Uncle Jack’s Off is a one-of-a-kind tale with a ham-fisted, adult-focused tone that will have you laughing out loud with every turn of the page until your belly aches. The best part? You’ll know your stomach hurts from laughter and not tapeworms!

Here are just a few of the thought-provoking things world-renown book critics have had to say about My Uncle Jack’s Off

    • “I used my left hand to turn the pages instead of my right and it was like sharing an unforgettable experience with a stranger.” – Rosie Palmer

 

    • “I’ve heard some tall tales, but Uncle Jack has a story so big you may not be able to take it all at once.” – D.T. Sanchez

 

    • “My favorite part was the check I received for this endorsement” – Handsomely compensated reader who wishes to remain anonymous

 

    • “Finally, a story that the common unicyclist can relate to” – Gary the Unicyclist

 

    • “[Shakes book…] How do I get the sound out?” – Reginald, the guy down the block who confuses audio with print

 

    • “I find this book VERY hard to put down!” – Prank victim who got his hand superglued to the book

 

    • “It’s the perfect length. What they say is true… size matters.“ – A guy obsessed with tape measurers. Why, what’d you think?

 

This book gives you all the raucous fun you can handle without being committed for excessive laughter. Perfect for late-night bedtime stories, bar mitzvahs, propping up a coffee table leg, surprise parties for the elderly, as a replacement for a toaster manual, or even light bathroom reading, it’s time you saw Uncle Jack’s Off for yourself.

Pick up a copy of My Uncle Jack’s Off by clicking “Add to Cart” above. You’ll love the side-splitting story, hidden pictures, and one man’s epic climax to fun.