Meet Loretta Jackson and Vickie Britton
Meet Luis A. Colon
In 1867, Eden Fitzgerald marries, not for love or money, but to persuade her influential in-laws to obtain her father’s release from a contrived prison sentence. Cleverly evading those who believe she, like her father, is a smuggler and Fenian collaborator, Eden does what she can, what she must to achieve her goal. When legal methods are exhausted, she dons a mask, carries a pistol and, using her wiles, wits, even her seductive beauty, robs wealthy citizens to amass enough money to arrange her father’s escape.
Her life grows ever more complicated by the lustful attentions of several men who profess to love her, and the one man she loves but dares not trust. As her crimes worsen, culminating in what may be treason, and her enemies grow more dangerous and determined to apprehend her, she must run for her own freedom.
PRANKS. OIL. PROTEST. JOKES BETWEEN NEWLYWEDS. AND ONE HILARIOUS SIEGE OF A MAJOR CORPORATION.
Remmy grows up with Beth in Bellhammer, Illinois as oil and coal companies rob the land of everything that made it paradise. Under his Grandad, he learns how to properly prank his neighbors, friends, and foes. Beth tries to fix Remmy by taking him to church. Under his Daddy, Remmy starts the Bell Hammer Construction Company, which depends on contracts from Texarco Oil. And Beth argues with him about how to build a better business. Together, Remmy and Beth start to build a great neighborhood of “merry men” carpenters: a paradise of s’mores, porch furniture, newborn babies, and summer trips to Branson where their boys pop the tops of off the neighborhood’s two hundred soda bottles. Their witty banter builds a kind of castle among a growing nostalgia.
Then one of Jim Johnstone’s faulty Texarco oil derricks falls down on their house and poisons their neighborhood’s well.
Poisoned wells escalate to torched dog houses. Torched dog houses escalate to stolen carpentry tools and cancelled contracts. Cancelled contracts escalate to eminent domain. Sick of the attacks from Texaco Oil on his neighborhood, Remmy assembles his merry men:
“We need the world’s greatest prank. One grand glorious jest that’ll bloody the nose of that tyrant. Besides, pranks and jokes don’t got no consequences, right?”
:: PRAISE FOR LANCELOT SCHAUBERT AND BELL HAMMERS ::
“Schaubert recounts a mischievous man’s eight decades in Illinois’s Little Egypt region in his picaresque debut. Remmy’s life of constant schemes and pranks and a lifelong feud with classmate Jim Johnstone and the local oil drilling company proves consequential. This is a hoot.”
— Publisher’s Weekly
“BELL HAMMERS is written in a style not unworthy of John Kennedy Toole and William Faulkner – the vivid characterization of Southern ethnography commingled with stark, episodic spectacle breathes with the spirit of quintessential Americana. It is a text I would happily assign in an American Novel class and would expect it to yield satisfying discourse alongside works in the canon, whether beside the sardonic prose of Mark Twain or the energetically painful narratives of Toni Morrison.”
— Dr. Anthony Cirilla
“Schaubert’s words have an immediacy, a potency, an intimacy that grab the reader by the collar and say, ‘Listen, this is important!’ Probing the bones and gristle of humanity, Lancelot’s subjects challenge, but also offer insights into redemption if only we will stop and pay attention.”
— Erika Robuck, national bestselling author of Hemingway’s Girl
“Myth, regret, the lore of our heritage and the subtle displays of our castes — no one so accurately and imaginatively captures the joys and sorrows of life in the Midwest as Schaubert does here. BELL HAMMERS is a Tree Grows in Brooklyn as told by Gabriel Garcia Marquez if Marquez lived in rural Illinois and only told stories to his grandkids. Seriously a delight to read.”
— Colby Williams, author of the Axiom Gold Medal winning book Small Town, Big Money
“Loved BELL HAMMERS because Lancelot wrote about people who don’t get written about enough and he did it with humor, compassion, and heart.”
— Brian Slatterly, author of Lost Everything and editor of The New Haven Review
“I’m such a fan of Lancelot Schaubert’s work. His unique view and his life-wisdom enriches all he does. We’re lucky to count him among our contributors.”
— Therese Walsh, author of The Moon Sisters and Editorial Director of Writer Unboxed
Brooklyn Petitjean is young, hot, rich, and hunted in post-pandemic Los Angeles, 2023, a city that’s cracking with tension, tent cities, roving Neo-Nazis, and a nasty gang of unemployed salesgirls. In this helter-skelter landscape, Brooklyn clashes with her fading movie star mother, finds love with a celibate ex-child star, and glimpses a terrifying future through a young psychic who tells her, “Something’s chasing you and it’s not done with you yet.”
Reader’s Favorite Book Reviews *****
“What an excellent read for psychological thriller fans who are also curious about what goes on behind the beautiful faces and places, the glitz, gloom, and glamour of Hollywood… Readers follow Brooklyn’s thoughts and movements with increasing tension, and when she comes face to face with the real monsters of her childhood, she can barely breathe, and neither can we!… The complex plot is thoroughly engaging and full of twists.”
“Gewirtz writes with an enjoyable poison-pen tone… “…an engrossing story with a dizzying array of complicated plot lines, many of which speak to timely topics like ageism, cancel culture, and even… the Coronavirus pandemic. It’s a thrilling, engaging read that will keep readers in suspense until the last page.”
“Fascinating descriptions of the machinations of the movie industry also come through… Ending on a note of grace, Don’t Kill Me Because I’m Beautiful is a dark thriller in which Hollywood’s beauty belies its true evil.”
Online Book Club —
“Don’t Kill Me Because I’m Beautiful is an intriguing story with an array of complicated plots and twists in a storyline that examines human behavior.”
“The book is a page-turner, full of terrors and compassion, with the sense that some of the events happened or came damned near close to happening.” —Amazon Customer
“Every plot twist (and there are many) had me guessing — and then surprised. Perfect, escapist entertainment…”
— Amazon Customer
“An array of fascinating, funny, and freaky characters. I highly recommend.” — Amazon Customer