Kept hidden by the United States government for decades, the Site is a place where magic is real. But that doesn’t mean that everything happening there is sparkly. Soul-sucking policies and layers of stifling bureaucracy threaten to take all the fun out of magic.
Harris, a newbie Conjurer, starts his first day of work at the Site bursting with excitement: he’s been brought on for an extremely big project happening the very next day. In a triumph over its habitual inefficiency, the Site manages to carry out its plan and conjure an actual dragon to be used by the military.
The dragon (Zoth-Avarex, the self-proclaimed greatest dragon in the multiverse) immediately eats the person next to him, snatches a “princess” from the ranks of the Conjuring Department, and flies away to the Space Needle. There he manipulates the media, outwits the Site’s bumbling management, demands sixty-three billion dollars’ worth of treasure (because Smaug was said to have had sixty-two billion in his hoard), threatens to destroy the city–and installs a couple of food trucks.
While this book skewers the same fantasy genre it gleefully inhabits, it also pokes fun at corporate culture, today’s obsession with wealth and celebrity, and our denial that life is anything more than meets the eye. Hapless Harris, believing in magic all along, learns to apply what he’s picked up between the pages of fantasy literature.
Girl meets dragon. Girl works to befriend dragon. A large, red, dangerous dragon.
Raven Alby will have to train her new ride and save the dragon’s life or die trying.
Mix in starting at Fowler Academy as a first year, becoming a stronger mage and oh… people disappearing.
It’s all adding up to typical teenager stuff for a young mage.
First lesson Raven will learn? Don’t ever let anything come between a girl and her dragon.
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Word of advice from Mervyn, trailer park manager of Nightshade Trailer Park. “It’s never a good idea to mix trailer park magic and homemade bucklure.”
Y’all come celebrate the Hollerdays at Nightshade Trailer Park, where we have plenty of trailer park magic, homemade bucklure, and Hollerday spirits.
Hollerday Chicken: Start your Hollerday festivities by attending the lighting of Lulu the Hollerday Chicken down at Chicken World Poultry Processing Plant.
The Winter Wonderland Gang: Reindeer have been sighted flying over Dutter County. Darvus and Floyd Woodvine have been infected with deer hunting fever. Homer Watson is making homemade bucklure. Word is Buckus, the god of deer hunting lurks in the Dark Woods.
Earlene’s Evil Fruitcake: Earlene Chitwood has made her Gobmart baking list. Time to make her fruitcake. She always adds an extra secret evil ingredient.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Maggic Hooch has been cursed by Earlene Chitwood, Maggie seeks relief from the curse. And revenge.
The Making of Holiday Spirits Not So Bright: Stressed about the Hollerdays. Cletus and Diesel Chitwood are cooking up some possum powder in their trailer.
Sod Versus Green: When Sod wants a Christmas Tree, Leroy encounters the Winter Wonderland Gang at the Hodge Podge Flea Market.
Demons Roasting Over an Open Fire: The Alabama Demons have returned from their hellish six-week motivational retreat. They’re ready to sell more insurance policies, and they’re ready to teach the shape-shifting dragons a lesson.
The Bucks Stop Here: Word is Santa Claus will be judging the Nightshade Trailer Park Hollerday Contest, and Earlene Chitwood is determined to win no matter what.
Trailer park magic ain’t gonna stop the scary-ass critters and spirits on Hell-o-ween.
What the hell is trailer park magic? Join the Nightshade Trailer Park residents this Hell-o-ween and find out.
Things That Go Bump in the Dark Woods-Will Argyle Gooch survive his encounter with the mean-ass tree Ol’ Sourwood?
Bubba, Bubba, Toil and Trouble–Darvus Woodvine is on a quest to find the sacred grove of his beloved Poison Ivy Fairy. Instead, he finds a whole lot of trouble.
Blood, Nuts, and Glory– When Leroy gathers pecans in the Dark Woods, he meets an old stoner named Odis and R.J. Nutters, a seven-foot squirrel from Assguard.
Trolls and Chickens–Weasel has been ordered to bring back the ‘troubles’ from the Dark Woods. If he doesn’t, then his beloved chickens will become dinner for the demons.
Pearlette’s Perky Pumpkins–Will Pearlette’s pumpkins be ready for the Alabama Demons First Annual Pumpkin Carving Contest? If not, all hell could break loose.
Graveyard Gnomes–Something ain’t right about those gnomes in Madame Boomont’s yard.
Ya’ll Come as You Are–It’s Hell-o-ween in the trailer park. Are you ready?
Don’t read this book.
Not if you want to maintain your protected status as an ignorant human.
The truth wouldn’t make any sense, anyways. It would just melt your brain, cause you to involuntarily assume the fetal position (and mumble things about butterflies and rainbows), turn you into a depressed and colorful pile of goo, and make you wish you were a dung beetle.
You’ll definitely be happier with your current idea of what’s real, and no one likes to be a pile of goo, no matter the color. Believe me, I’ve asked several former-humans-now-piles of goo.
Hopefully this is enough to dissuade you from reading further. Actually, I would wager three nacho-flavored jackalopes that you’ll stop reading this book description right now.
If you’re still reading this, I have one question for you?
You should have moved on to another book already. Haven’t I been clear? Turn back now, while you still have a choice. Once you read this book, and you find out the truth about …
… them …
… they will hunt you and they will find you. You won’t even know you’ve been ensnared by their magic.
You will never be the same.
And you may end up like James Peters.
5 years after his father disappeared, James was still puzzled. The authorities had pronounced his father dead months after he’d vanished, but James knew he was still alive, he could feel it in his bones. It’s just that no one believes a 13-year-old.
Then, someone turned up …
… someone James had forgotten.
He was the only person around when James’ dad vanished, and the guy doesn’t want to have anything to do with James. But there’s more.
Weird things happen around the man.
Things that shouldn’t.
Things that look an awful lot like magic.
Will James figure out what happened to his father? Or will he end up suffering the same fate?
If you purchase this book to find out it may be the last sane thing you ever do.
Get it now.
But don’t say you haven’t been warned.