An Oracle Walks into a Bar

August Shade has found his niche. The cynical shapeshifter knows all too well that most relationships don’t last. He also knows that after a messy breakup, most people – human or otherwise – just want two things: their stuff back, and to never see their ex again. For a reasonable fee, August can help. He’s a post-relationship personal effects repossession specialist. Satisfaction not guaranteed, but at least you’ll have that special whatever back.

Vilde Tanck has found her destiny. Guided by her horoscopes, the huldra hires August to reclaim an unusual book. It reveals the secret of the Zodiac’s thirteenth sign, bestows its reader with the power to write their own future, and is currently in the possession of her vampire ex-lover.

Clarissa Steyer has found her calling. The oracle writes horoscopes for the local paper. Her celestial predictions help keep the world spinning. Now August is in all of her visions and the world might be coming to an end. She knows that the shapeshifter can change into a lot of things, but can he change the future?

Plagued by the oracle’s horoscopes, haunted by a dark past, and grappling with his penchant for making bad decisions, the only sure thing about August’s future is that it looks short.


Meet Scott Burtness

Folks say you should write what you know. That’s damned good advice, so I write about average Midwesterners making an extraordinary mess of things.

Hey- if the flannel fits…

Wisconsin Vamp

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Some vampires are destined for greatness. He’s not one of them.

When truckstop diner cook and mediocre bowler Herb Knudsen becomes a vampire, his once simple life gets a bit more complicated. Herb’s not even sure how it happened. He wasn’t bitten by a vampire, which means there’s no one around to help him learn the ropes. With no one to guide him, Herb fumbles into his newfound abilities, courting disaster with every step. Despite learning each new lesson the hard way, being a vampire isn’t all bad. He’s stronger, a little sexier, and a heck of a lot better at bowling. Even Lois, the girl of his dreams, is starting to notice him. But he can’t drink beer, the bodies are piling up, and his best friend Dallas isn’t just getting suspicious – he’s getting jealous. When Lois is caught in the middle of the two friends’ escalating rivalry, keeping his dark secret becomes the least of Herb’s concerns.

Booze, bowling, bake sales, bar fights, babes, blood and karaoke… Who would have thought that being undead would make life so exciting?

About the Monsters in the Midwest series: Herb, Dallas, and Stanley live in northern Wisconsin, where life is nice and simple. Until Herb becomes a vampire. And Dallas becomes a werewolf. And Stanley becomes a zombie. Join the three friends on their hilariously awkward journeys as they learn that there really are monsters in the Midwest, and that’s not always a bad thing.


Meet Scott Burtness

People say you should write what you know. That’s damned good advice, so Scott writes about ordinary Midwesterners making an extraordinary mess of things. Hey, if the flannel fits…